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It's Not About The Nail

119K subscribers • 1 video on Rounds

Recommended by 5 people, in Hacker News, across 4 different months.
Presented by Jason Headley, as the video describes them

For anyone, no background needed. Education, not medical advice.

30M views13 years ago5 recommendations

Mental health Therapy and psychology

A satirical comedy short illustrating the difference between emotional validation and problem-solving in relationships.

"Don't try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.

Why it's here

5 people recommend this, 1 disputes it

What people say. Recommended as a classic and impactful illustration of the difference between listening and trying to solve problems in relationships.

dandotwayin Hacker News • 5 years agoRecommends

On “Ask HN: What can you do to help the grieving?”

It's counterintuitive to logical-thinking programmers, but you almost never want to tell a grieving person any of the following: 1. "Things will get better." 2. "I understand your loss." 3. "Here's how we can fix the problem." Some insight into why can be gained by watching the short video, It's Not About the Nail : link to this video In many (but not all) cases, if the grieving are willing to communicate at all, they want their cries of pain heard and listened to. They would rather that you cried with them instead of trying to tell them that there is light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a 'fix' for their 'problem' or that we must accept that life is hard and unfair and suck it up.

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MikeTheGreatin Hacker News • 4 years agoRecommends

On “Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?”

> You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Agreed! Asking helps me clarify to myself the possible goals (and make it explicit that "just" listening is a valid goal). Even if you don't ask thinking about the question is a nice way to remind yourself that you don't need to solve it for them. My experience has been that women appreciate this question - I think that most men tend to jump into problem-solving mode and actually being asked is a nice change (here in the U.S.) And of course there's this 2 minute video to memorably highlight the idea :) link to this video

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btillyin Hacker News • 10 months agoRecommends

On “Hashcards: A plain-text spaced repetition system”

You may enjoy, It's not about the nail. link to this video What I was doing is very common. Trying to engage logically with what logic can engage with, while failing to recognize that the emotional challenge is what has to be dealt with first. And that once feelings are out of the way, the logical problem will be massively easier to solve.

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jpadkinsin Hacker News • 9 months agoRecommends

On “I'm Addicted to Being Useful”

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. There is a great YT video on this topic link to this video It's not about the nail!

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garciasnin Hacker News • 9 months agoRecommends

On “I'm Addicted to Being Useful”

link to this video This was the single most impactful thing I've ever been told to watch when it comes to 'solving' vs 'listening'.

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jimmaswellin Hacker News • 6 years agoDisputes

On “Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)”

I'd rather just not talk to someone like that so if they don't want to be friends anymore over being suggested a mechanic when having car issues or something then good. There's a youtube video about those kind of crazies: link to this video

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brazzyin Hacker News • 12 years agoMentions

On “Do Men Suck At Friendship?”

> when talking to them I often feel all they're doing is telling me how right I am to feel in such and such way, frequently highlighting the differences between "us" and "them", whoever "them" might be, whenever the opportunity arise. (I suppose you'd call that 'gossip'). It's called "emotional validation", and widely acknowledged as something that women are notoriously keen on and men are notoriously bad at providing. link Or, in a satirical manner: link to this video

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gnlin Hacker News • 12 years agoMentions

On “Founder Depression”

Well said. link to this video 1:41 "It's not about the nail" The video is about women, because as men we like to take pride in the idea that we're "fixers", but if we're honest about it we'll have to admit that when it comes to the important things in life we're just as full of crap. No amount of talking, hand-holding, support groups and nods of understanding will amount to any kind of personal progress, until you are willing to answer the question "What do you really want?" You want to be productive? Have a successful startup? Million dollars? Improve the lives of others? Sure. But why? What's behind it? We like to look for an objective meaning in things, but what is meaning other than the belief in…

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rebootthesystemin Hacker News • 11 years agoMentions

On “How California Is Winning the Drought”

…ted, public discussion boards are horrendously difficult to run. I get that part. Discussions on HN are thoughtful when it comes to matters of technology. Outside of that HN is very intolerant of alternative points of view. People can find themselves defending from personal attacks instead of engaging in discussing the issues. Something like this: link to this video HN is the person with the nail on her head. She is happy for the split second the guy comes in to alignment with her point of view. Outside of that, when an alternative point of view is offered, not happy at all. Before anyone says a…

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sokoloffin Hacker News • 10 years agoMentions

On “How to Avoid Empathy Burnout”

> When you're dealing with people, though, that kind of response can be actively counterproductive. Anyone who's had a significant other "vent" and respond negatively when you try to turn to problem solving will probably recognize this dynamic. I can't help but link to "It's not about the Nail": link to this video

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tboughenin Hacker News • 8 years agoMentions

On “Research shows the difference between emotional and informational support”

If my wife or I fail to communicate that we want emotional, rather than informational, support we just say “It’s not about the nail” and the other instantly understands. The short video this idea is from: link to this video

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jlawsonin Hacker News • 6 years agoMentions

On “Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)”

The other side of this is expressed in the classic comedy video, "It's Not About the Nail" (1:41). link to this video

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tlrobinsonin Hacker News • 4 years agoMentions

On “Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?”

> This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": link to this video

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SilasXin Hacker News • 4 years agoMentions

On “The worst part of working from home is now haunting reopened offices”

Or, it’s that the dog does tell all his doggie friends about his predicament, but any time they’re about to give him actionable advice for solving the core problem, he cuts them off, more interested in emotional catharsis. “It’s not about the nail.” link to this video

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thedanbobin Hacker News • 3 years agoMentions

On “What not to say to someone who has just been laid off”

My wife and I use the phrase “it’s not about the nail”0 as an in-joke/shorthand for communicating this. 0 link to this video

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groffeein Hacker News • 3 years agoMentions

On “Ask HN: How do you turn off your problem solving brain with people you love?”

"It's not about the nail" link to this video People don't want their problems solving, they want to whine. It helps to start a conversation like this with "do you want me to listen or to offer help"

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